Argh! The Family!
Argh! The Family!
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas… around here that means that clients are booking appointments for 2 reasons:
1. “I’ve got to get ready for seeing the family at Christmas Deb, it’s SO stressful. I want to it to be easier this year.”
2. “I want to clear out 2013 and have a fresh start in 2014, a better year”
Christmas and the Holidays bring out the BIG guns of stress: Money, Family and the “Am I Enough?”
And it’s all based on the fear of loss…..
At family gatherings we are faced with “The Family” Values and can feel the pressure to conform or fear losing “The Family” love, approval and acceptance.
We are confronted with the perceptions of the values and behaviours we grew up with, and the choices we made around them that created the life we are living now.
If the Values and Behaviours were positive and in support of you, you feel comfortable in “The Tribe”, as Caroline Myss calls it, and feel you have arrived Home.
If they were negative and depleting then You may have made Choices to live Life more positively, or NOT to live Life like ‘them’.
The catch with NOT being like Mum or Dad or The Family is that the brain never hears the word NOT. So when you say, “I’m not going to be like Mum/ Dad/ My Family” etc Your brain hears “I am going to be like Mum/Dad/The Family”.
Just like when you say” I don’t want to be sick, broke, unhappy” and your brain hears “I’m want to be sick, broke and unhappy”.
Instead, state what you want, “ I am healthy, financially secure and happy”. Then the brain has something to move towards.
So, now that your brain is focused on creating the life you want you may find that it conflicts with the way The Family does life. They may have a problem with you…because you are no longer working with their rules and playing along or speaking their language so they don’t understand.
The Family Language
For instance, if the family culture is to speak illness, negativity and loss…that they compete as they compare their problems. And you focus on The Positive and growth. That means you are speaking a foreign language and they won’t understand.
If the family are big drinkers and you have decided to drink less or not at all, they will do all they can to get you involved in their drinking, because they fear losing you. If you don’t drink you are no longer apart of The Tribe. So they do what they can to keep you doing what The Tribe does, because they want you in The Family.
Remember, work cultures are another form of “The Family” and will do the same.
In either your work family, social family or genetic family if you choose another way of doing life the family can take it as a threat to their survival, a rejection of their ways and values…You are speaking another language and they don’t understand.
This is one of the reasons clients come in after Christmas saying, “Deb, I thought I’d come so far this year! And when I was back around the family I fell like I haven’t made progress at all.”
The fact that you recognise that you no longer ‘fit in’, that you are doing life differently is a major step forward. You have made conscious choices about the way you think and live your life. That’s big.
It’s also a big gift that they trigger the old patterns of behaviour and responding…it shows You care, or else you wouldn’t get upset or be challenged. That You want to be a part of the family. It also shows they want you as a part of the family, that they love you and want you to join in the way The Family does life. The only way they know how.
If you’d like some comic relief around this, the recently released children’s movie The Croods is all about this!
When you make the choice to Be Happy, to support your values and live life in a way that supports you and your goals it reinforces to your brain that You too are important and your self esteem increases.
Think of it this way. When you set a goal like “no chocolate”, what happens? You are surrounded by chocolate shops and loads of temptation. They had been there all along, now that you choose to stop Your brain asks, “Really?” to test your commitment.
The more you support your choice, the stronger your resolve becomes until you no longer notice chocolate shops or think about chocolate because the brain records your repeated choices and creates new neural pathways to support the new choices.
Same with the family, if they are open to the change, they too over time may develop the neural pathways to accept you make different choices. Or not.
And You can create the neural pathways to accept the way they are, and choose to love them anyway. Or not.
In the meantime, like the brain, they will challenge your choices, and your commitment. And it’s your job to consistently support yourself and the lifestyle you choose.
They are all opportunities to learn and grow.
Of course, you also have the choice to NUMB the pain: with food, drugs and alcohol. To behave like rebellious teenagers because “they don’t understand” .
Or you have the choice to accept they are committed to doing their life their way, and you are committed to doing your life your way.
Here are some ways to support yourself when challenged by The Family:
1. Recognise what is happening and call it….to yourself, for yourself. Write it down to create clarity. Rip it up if it’s a stress download, and create a Gratitude List of what you are thankful for, what you have learnt and are learning. This turns the brain’s focus to what you DO want…and what You Focus on Grows.
2. Headhold Hold and breathe…one hand across the bumpy bit on the back of your head (in the middle of your skull) the other across your forehead. Then breathe into the belly for 4, hold for 2, out for 4, hold for 2. Repeat 9 times.
This will calm you down (on the 9th breath), bring you out of the past and future, into NOW when you can make CHOICES that are in support of You and your goals.
3. Nature: go for a walk and burn off the stress, leave it behind on each step. Or sit in Nature feeling the energy of the earth moving up your spine and filling your body energising, healing and grounding you.
All these techniques will help you to heal more quickly. So, stop being “strong” and make the Choice to be Present. To take the opportunity to commit to learning what you need to in this Intensive Class you are experiencing with The Family these Holidays. Afterall, that’s one of the key reasons you are doing all this work…Yes?
And when you are Present, you start to see new solutions and opportunities that you would never have seen previously.
To be clear, centred, and loving.
Be kind, and True to You.
All the best, always,
Deb
